NEEM Magazine

Sometimes, we walk down paths in our lives so that when we look back, we marvel at what we went through and wonder. Would we go down that same path again if given the choice?  Because at the time that we make certain choices, we don’t have a crystal ball to foresee what the ramifications of that choice will be.  All we have is our faith…first in God and then in ourselves.  Nor do we know what adversity we may face due to our choice.  Such was our choice.  And I say our choice, because when my husband and I chose to get married despite me being fifteen years his senior, we realized that the strength of our commitment had to be mutual.  That was the only way that we would ever get married and stay married.  Now, almost four years into our marriage and seven years of knowing each other, we thank God for blessing us with each other’s love and companionship.

Pre-Marriage

When we first got to know each other, my husband and I were virtual classmates living in two opposite sides of the U.S.  It was only after a year of struggling through Islamic studies online classes and getting to know each other incidentally and without pretention did we approach the idea of marriage.  I wanted to marry someone like him, but not necessarily him; and he felt the same way.  Our age difference was so great that despite our open-mindedness, we couldn’t mentally overcome the obstacles and fathom our unconventional relationship.  Yet at the same time, we did realize that we wanted to marry no one else except each other.

Once committed, neither one of us had any illusions about the opposition that we were about to face.  We both made a conscious decision to do things “the right way”; for God’s pleasure and for our parents’ sake.  From his side, he left his job and lost his U.S. immigration status.  From my side, I gave up my job and eventually left the only home I knew.  But these were small costs.  The largest cost for both of us was the turmoil and hurt we caused to our families.  If we could reverse and erase anything, that is what we would choose.  His family tried all kinds of means for the matter to “just end”.  His mother was so distraught and vehemently opposed that over time it affected her health and emotional well being.  Words cannot describe her reaction.  When he did not relent, his family tried appealing to me gently at times and threateningly in others.  In my family, my mother stopped talking to me – her only daughter and confidante.  Since my father supported me after meeting my fiance, my parent’s relationship became strained over their different stances.  All of this went on for two long years.

During those two years, we were oceans apart in two different countries.  The firm resolve that we had initially was shaken many times.  It was only to be expected.  We were being worn down so we would break.  To this day, I can say with confidence that it was only our prayers and beseeching God for guidance that carried us through that storm.  Weeks to a month at a time would pass with no contact.  The distance added to the thought that marriage was a distant illusion.  How?  When?  All of this adversity trained us to the point where we sincerely prayed to God for what was best for both of us, even if that meant going our separate ways.  Our faith in each may have wavered during those years, but never did our faith in God and His mercy waver.

Marriage

Finally, with my father’s job moving to the same country that my fiance was in, I decided to go there myself and determine if we wanted to go forward and get married or not.  Two months earlier, we had tried to do a nikaah remotely with me being in the U.S. with family and him abroad.  But after all of the opposition that had transpired over the last two years, I couldn’t go through with it.  Deep down, I knew I wanted to marry him, but I needed to see him and figure out face to face how I felt.  We had both prayed continuously for guidance, so there was nothing to lose.

Seeing him after over two years, I felt nervous and did not know what to expect.  I wanted to gauge my level of comfort upon meeting him.  It was myself I doubted, not him.  I needed to see if I felt strong enough to weather the opposition.  All praise is for God.  I felt so comfortable from the time I saw him at the airport with my father.  Within a few weeks, our nikaah was done Islamically at the courthouse.  I think my father felt such happiness and relief despite the circumstances.  We were happy for the simplicity of our nikaah; we just wished we could have had our families share our happiness with us.  But in cases such as ours, there is no wisdom in dwelling on what could have been.

In the first year and a half of our marriage, we lived in the same city as his family.  I knew no one besides my husband.  I was not accepted by his family, so my name was not even mentioned in their household. My husband would go to family events alone.  But I was okay with all of this, despite feeling very sad at times.  I never wanted him to break ties with his family.  His family had God-given rights on him.  If anything, I wanted relations to be repaired and start healing.

We had a lot of misunderstandings in those first two years.  My husband struggled with the close bonds I had formed over the years with family.  He wanted his rightful place in my life.  This was one of the first initial stumbling blocks in our relationship highlighting our age difference.  Meanwhile, I wanted him to accept me for who I was.  We were really getting to know each other now.  Even though our particular struggles may have been different, the adjustments that every newly married couple goes through were the same.

Today

Even though we have been married almost four years, I feel like I have been with my husband forever.  It would be hard to imagine life without each other.  Slowly, with lots of prayer, some family members are accepting us.  His mother though keeps her stance.

We joke about the nuances behind our age differences, and I call him an old man since he conks out by 9 p.m. at times.  Yet, we both have to be cognizant and comfortable with the future ramifications of being together.  As we get older, we realize that our age difference will become more pronounced to us.  We have to be very secure in our commitment to handle all of the challenges of the future.  But our biggest secret is the strength of our relationship to God individually and as a couple.  And with this strength, we trust in God and look forward to happiness today and always…God willing.

— Shabana Umar*

*The author’s name has been changed to protect her privacy.