Sex & Virginity: Let the Rishta Process Roll
by, Benish Shah, Editor-in-Chief
Sex and virginity. There I said it. While it comes up in middle school and high school, it does not come up during one of the most life changing conversations you may have: the rishta conversation.
Though most people would prefer to think that the rishta process is long gone, happily replaced by courting and dating constructs, the reality is that the old school version of the rishta process still exists. Even progressive families opt for traditional rishtas for a variety of reasons: they don’t believe in dating, they want you to meet someone in your caste or background, or you are so busy that rishtas are the practical way to go. Whatever the reason may be, the point is that they occur. And in the rishta process, the topic of sex does not seem to come up – despite it being an important and material determination factor for many South Asian Americans.
Does virginity matter?
When I brought this question up to my friends everyone’s initial reaction was, “Of course not. That is so archaic.” Yet upon further probing it turned out that virginity did matter, mainly to those individuals that chose to remain virgins till marriage.
The concept of virginity is not about old school ideas of chastity, but about personal choice. Just as the decision to have pre marital sex is about personal choice. In an honest relationship or courtship, inquiring about sexual history is the norm. It is a part of trust building and understanding your partner. For some relationships, pre marital sex issues may be a deal breaker – for both the guy and the girl.
Yet – somehow – it is too personal of an issue to discuss during the rishta process.
The most common reason for not touching the subject of sex or virginity during a formal rishta process is: if it doesn’t work out, I don’t want anyone knowing my business. Logically speaking, especially in Desis, this is a rock solid reason for not addressing the issue. It is highly likely that if you admit to having had sex, the rishta will either end or if it organically does not work out then everyone will know about your personal life. Details your own family may not be privy to.
So how do you deal with the issue of virginity or past sexual partners without: (1) not opening yourself up to a merciless gossip mill; and (2) getting lied to by your rishta prospect.
The first question to ask yourself is: what is it that concerns you. Is it a deal breaker if the other person had engaged in pre marital sex? Or are you mostly concerned with the possibility of health related issues such as an STD.
If your primary concern is health related, the route is much simpler and a little easier. Suggest that both individuals get tested for genetic and health related issues. Make it clear that you are requesting this to prevent any medical complications for potential offspring. Remember: any past sexual partners of your spouse essentially become your sexual partner if they passed a disease on. Most Desis do not get tested for STDs even when they are sexually active. Their choice should not be forced upon you simply because you are opting for a traditional rishta process.
Now – things get tricky if your main concern is actually whether your potential rishta has engaged in pre marital sex. Regardless of how you ask a question relating to this topic, you will either be met with hostility or possibly a straight lie. There is no real way around that. Rishta processes usually mandate that both parties are on their best socially acceptable behavior. Owning up to having sex rarely falls into such behavior. So what to do?
The prudent steps to take would be to ask for medical and genetic testing to ensure that there are no STDs AND to ask around about the rishta prospect. Do your due diligence and make it clear that you will be doing so. Remember, marriage is a critical decision. Do not shy away from being fully informed before making that decision.
What it comes down to is this: sexual history is important for trust building and health reasons. While there are major roadblocks to honesty in the rishta process, it should not prevent you from finding out the information that is critical to you.
