NEEM Magazine

by, Shabana Metha

Do South Asian Women Set Their Standards Too Low?

Every other day you hear a desi man saying, “I need a hot girl that will work out and stay fit, have a great career, live at home with my family, take care of my parents, have kids, make my friends jealous…” and more.  And desi women?  Their list usually goes like this, “I want him to be attractive to me, to have a good career, and to respect me.”  Maybe tack on one or two more attributes depending on the woman.

Comparing the two lists makes me wonder: are south asian women setting themselves up to settle?

To the outside world, of course, we call ourselves feminists and insist that we’re independent and self-sufficient and don’t believe in settling for anything less than we deserve in all aspect of our lives.  And as we plow through school and climb the success ladder in our careers, making flippant comments about our parents “worrying” about our marriage, a little voice inside us seems to be screaming, “We aren’t comfortable being single forever; we’re women who want a traditional family.”  And a traditional family, for South Asian women, tends to mean a South Asian man – from whatever caste/regional area your parents insist on – and a family with at least two kids that must be popped out soon after marriage.  And with the expiration date of a South Asian woman set at age 28, it follows that our standards would fall considerably – and we decide to voice our “modest” attribute-list for a future mate to ensure that we can find someone fast… as if we are naturally read to pick Mr. Good Enough without waiting for Mr. Right.

After all – if Mr. Right doesn’t appear by the time we’re 25 we go into a full fledged panic – we need to be engaged by 26 so we can be married by 27 …. and now it’s time to pick the one that’s easily available.

At the core, this statement poses one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas many single women are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle?  We are aware that desi men don’t have an “expiration age” the way desi women do, and in our fear of being single… we don’t always look out for our best interest.  Perhaps it’s time to step back, re-evaluate, and look for someone that is of our caliber, instead of jumping on the  bandwagon out of sheer fear.