Every chic flick out there teaches you the same thing: you want that head over heels, over the moon, shooting star
feeling when you fall in love. You want your heels to kick up at the first kiss and your heart to flutter at the thought of this man.
Tiers in the Relationship Butterfly Effect
We are taught that any romantic relationship that does not involve a perpetual fireworks display when you were in each other’s presence is not “the one” or was the same as settling for someone.
This feeling of anxiety is what I like to call the “Butterfly Effect” when it comes to relationships. The search for feelings we are told we are supposed to have, which aren’t healthy and often take a toll on us. We allow those initial butterflies –which is often just lust, like, anxiety and years wanting the ideal relationship – to delude us into ignoring the glaring red flags that keep popping up.
In an ever-evolving world, the Butterfly Effect seems to function at two levels: (1) simple nerves because they unconsciously know that something is wrong; or (2) the nagging feeling that this relationship is going to end, so they must spend as much time together as possible.
The first level is what breeds paranoia in a relationship. People doubt their significant others and start fights for simple things – from who picked the last date activity to who called the other last. It’s often a nagging voice in your head saying “this isn’t right, you know it’s not right!” Yet couples claw on for dear life until they draw a wedge between themselves that is too deep, a break occurs. All the while, the women involved tell themselves, “I must love this person. I get that same nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that I got when we first started dating!” No one steps back to realize: that was nervousness which should have dissipated by the two month mark in a healthy relationship.
The second level involves those couples that see each other all the time, have their phones glued to their ears, and have the dramatic fights that lead their friends to think, “My, they are an epic couple.” Or, in a more realistic alternative, they think, “This is a train wreck waiting to happen.” These couples mistake their fights, fervent making up, and us-against-the-world mentality as the equivalent of love. They savor the butterflies in their stomach, feeding their need for the “dramatic” in that relationship. Often, they find themselves relating to the good-girls in chick-flicks that finally have found a guy that they can tame. They want that knight in shining armor to arrive on a motorcycle and allow them to save his tortured soul.
A considerably loud part of them is saying, “Take what you can from this relationship, because he will eventually leave.” Another, quieter part is saying, “End this.” But that quiet voiced drowned out by the incessant drama. And that drama is fueled by the butterflies in a conundrum akin to the chicken-or-the-egg.
In both situations the point is: the prolonged butterflies are a signal that something is wrong… not that something is right.
When The Butterflies Don’t Flutter
In some ways, it sounds as if we are masochists, bent on feeling tortured to justify the possibility of being happy.
The first sign many women look for when they meet a guy is: does he give me butterflies?
The first sign that they refer to when they feel that the relationship is plateauing: he just doesn’t give me butterflies anymore? Isn’t that how it’s always supposed to be?
In each scenario – we are set on feeling sick to our stomach to assess if we are in love. ”In a healthy relationship, it’s not about butterflies, it’s about strength, fulfillment and contentment,” says Dr. Samina Patel, a psychologist in Tulsa. ”Women that continuously search out that feeling of excitement will never be fulfilled in a healthy relationship because they will begin to feel that ‘something is missing’ because eventually, they will feel content. And they will rebel.”
So what do you do to nix the butterfly effect?
(1) Focus on how comfortable they make you feel, not the anxiety. Do they ease the butterflies, or encourage them?
(2) Search for someone that lights a fire in your soul in the sense that they make you want to do better and be better, not someone that makes you feel “not good enough” which furthers the anxiety in a relationship.
(3) Train yourself to accept and understand that the initial excitement of a relationship is just that, initial. Relationships should take you towards contentment fueled by compatibility – not simply excitement.
(4) Take ownership of when there is a problem in the relationship and address it. Do not justify your relationship by saying, “He still gives me butterflies.” If he is still giving you butterflies, a year later, there is no contentment. Step back and assess, “Is my life better with this person, or without?” Listen to your answer.
(5) Reward yourself with happiness without feeling like you have to justify it with anxiety.
– Benish A. Shah, Editor-in-Chief
