Love Beyond 30: Needs Versus Wants
I finished watching an episode of Sex and the City, called up my editor Benish and said, “Do you think SATC has ruled the lives of women living in the US so much that it has left us critical of finding love?” To which Benish responded, “Sana, I’m married, and I love that show.” Prodding deeper I asked, “But do you think yours was pure luck?” After a long pause Benish said, “Love is a little about luck. A little about fate. And a lot about finding the difference between what you think you want and what should know you need.”
Her words brought up the ultimate issue for South Asian women as we reach and then pass the age of 30: are our lists of “must have this” based on our unrealistic desires or have we matured enough to know the difference between whimsical want and realistic need? And if not, is it so bad to want whimsy?
A close friend of mine has been searching for a man that has a baby face and a thin frame for the past ten years. On her 31st birthday she ran out of fingers counting all the 20 year old boys she had been attracted because no man her age had a baby face. Well, not the single ones anyways. Another friend cried on her 29th birthday wanting to know when she would be rescued from her life by a guy. At 29 she is the Vice President of marketing at a successful media agency, but had somehow not let go of the desire to be saved by prince charming. Both these women have been pursued by all types of successful, good looking men, to no avail.
These same women bash those of our friends that married men that are a little chubby, a little dorky and perhaps a little less professionally successful. Often I find myself joining the bashing and making comments like, “God, she should not have settled.”
But after watching that episode of Sex and the City I thought: eureka, they didn’t settle, they realized that falling in love with the person was more important than marking off a checklist in their head. And voila I matured in that moment. This left me to wonder whether I had been wrong all these years trying to find “Mr. Right” when I should have been deconstructing my own needs and evaluating myself more.
– Sana Mehmood
